this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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