Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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