the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
