when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Randomize
