Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
