i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
