Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
