Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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