hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
