I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
