How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
