Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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