oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
