How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
