I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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