She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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