You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I intend to get homeless drunk
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
