i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so that wasnt chicken after all
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
