so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm like, not good at living.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
