i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.