doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
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Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
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My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath