thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I AM VODKA MAN
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
