did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
