Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
