I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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