Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My bed smells like the plague
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