The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
