My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
