Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I can text with my tongue
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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