My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We need to get me chipped asap
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize