Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
