dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
