I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
