Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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