my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
