time to smoke my breakfast
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
