Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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