Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
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The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
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You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Ladies don't puke and tell
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you