I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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