Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
