Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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