My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
