the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
