But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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