The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
