kristin has been a bad kristin
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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