I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Vodka?
Forever.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
