I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You made out with two different species that night
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
