ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
