its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
