My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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