i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
