One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
