Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
