I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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