I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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