Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
if only i could text you this smell
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
