we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
