Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
