I just threw up on my dentist
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why can't burritos get me drunk
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
