I hate your face
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
