At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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