She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
