Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
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He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
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Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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