He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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